The Bigger Person Concept
I was recently challenged, yet again, to be the "bigger person". What is this bigger person concept? Why do we have it? There are a few scenarios on which this concept can be used.
One scenario is being able to sense when a situation is getting unnecessarily heated. The bigger person at that point takes a step back, says something nice to diffuse the heated tension, and then walks away until a latter time when the issue at hand can be discussed in a calm and mature manner.
Another scenario in which the "bigger person" concept can be used is when after a situation has gotten out of hand, the bigger person comes back later, accepts the fault and tries to smooth things out so the situation can be attempted again to be worked out.
The last scenario in which the "bigger person" concept can be used is typically the one I get stuck with. This consists of the bigger person accepting all the blame for the unfortunate incident, making the other party feel better about themselves, and then carrying on like nothing happened. This is the worst scenario as it leaves the "bigger person" with a tarnished image and forces them to take the hurt and feelings they had during a heated incident, and bury it deep in themselves with no real way to vent or be heard.
For most of my life, the third scenario has repeatedly seemed to land in my lap. No matter what, I always seemed to be the "bigger person". Because of it, my reputation did get tarnished. Any thing went wrong and I was normally the first person who they went to. Why? Not always because I was the culprit, but more because I would assume the blame.This inadvertently had a negative impact on me. As time went on I started being that kid who seemed to be the fuck up. I figured, hell, if I am going to get in trouble for it in the end, I might as well have the satisfaction of actually doing the deed. Again, reputation ended up getting tarnished and no matter what I did, I always had that clout stuck to me.
Some of my friendships also were affected. It is inevitable that two human beings are going to have conflicts. When these inevitable conflicts arose, they usually ended up heated and again, I ended up being the bigger person and taking on responsibility for the scuffle. This then left my friends with this negative picture of me, mixed with the tarnished reputation....see where I am going with this?
The bigger person....other wise known as the scapegoat. Society needs scapegoats. They need someone else to throw the blame on so that they don't have to feel bad about themselves and can carry on with their lives being able to look down at others and use them as a means to verify that their life is not as pathetic as others.
So I was challenged to be the bigger person again. About a year ago there was a big misscommunication between me and some family. I did something that they did not agree with. Instead of talking to me about it and finding out why I did what I did, I was ignored and talked about behind my back. I put on the bigger person shoes again and tried scenario two. I picked up some pieces, took some of the responsibility and tried to make peace with all and smooth things out so all could carry on happily as we had been. Some came to and others carried on the sharade. Since they ran out of things to attack me about, they then went after my family knowing all the while I am trying to put things back together. That drew the line for me and I threw in my towel. I walked away, I had enough. It has been almost a year now and not a peep from a single one. One family member did recently contact me and tried to convince me that blood is thicker than water. Yeah, not this blood. They then tried getting me to be the bigger person. Why not? I always have in the past. Everyone else is too stubborn but some how I seemed to be the one to go and make ammends. This time I responded with, "I don't think so. Not this time." I am tired of being the bigger person actually, and I left it at that.
Home is another area that I seem to be the bigger person and it seems to always blow up in my face. For instance last night. Me and my wife are trying to buy a home and we got some good info that could help us in that treck. First step was to see if a bank would be dumb enough to lend me money. So I went online to to fillout what I needed to in order to see if I could qualify for a home loan. Well my wife decided I wasn't doing it right. I was putting in options that did not make sense to her. She has yet to understand that I learn by doing, by trial and error. If I put information in wrong I would be displayed an error message and told to try again. This did not set well with her and she decided to let me have it. So I quit and started doing my own thing. Then she got upset because I wasn't taking it serious. How in the hell am I supposed to take something serious when someone is knocking my method of getting it done? Inevitably this lead to scenario two. I ended up gathering my things and went to bed. I figured sometime apart, a good nights sleep would be best. I woke up this morning alone in the bed and my wife sleeping in the office. Why? Because I wasn't filling out an application the way she thought it should be done. I got ready for work and went into the office and asked why she was sleeping there. I was met with a rapid fire of responses. "First, I wasn't sleeping, I just fell asleep. Two, you know why I am here. Third, you don't deserve an explanation." Word for word, that is what I was told. Now I had two choices here. To fire some smart ass remarks back, which I really wanted to do, or.....yeah you guessed it, be the bigger person. So I kissed her on the head and left the office.
This action will now lead to me going home at some point today and everythign carrying on as normal because I ultimatly accepted the blame by not responding to her accusations.
Now the cycle. Now my wife is going to have a tarnished view of me and one that insists that I am just a fuck up. Ask her, she will proudly tell you all the reasons she can't trust me and why I am such a fuck up around the house. She will give times and dates, trust me! This also will now cause me to take those feelings I had and bury them deep inside me as any outburst of them will just be viewed as a feeble attempt to try and restore my credibility.
I am almost twenty nine years old and this repeat cycle has taken a toll on me. I have aches and pains where a twenty nine year old should not have them. My heart has been handling stress for a very long time. To the point that when I get upset it beats so fast I get get dizzy and light headed. This ultimately will lead to me having an untimely death as my heart will one day beat so fast that it will stop. I am certain that I am going to have an early end and that I am going to die young. No heart can handle the stress that mine has had to deal with for years. A heart can't handle that without having some sorty of outlet to put that stress and frustration towards.
So that, my friends, is what being the "bigger person" really is. It is being the scapegoat for others, so they can keep on going feeling good about themselves and shove all the blame to someone else. Eventually the clock will stop ticking and when all is said and done, do you really want the nicest thing said about you being, "He/she was always quick to accept blame and keep things running smoothly". I sure as hell don't and for that reason I am done being the bigger person. I am sorry to the one who recently challenged me to take that roll one more time. I just can't do it, not this time. I am too tired, worn out, hurt and frustrated to put both my body and my heart through that kind of treatment again. I just can't do it, not right now.......
One scenario is being able to sense when a situation is getting unnecessarily heated. The bigger person at that point takes a step back, says something nice to diffuse the heated tension, and then walks away until a latter time when the issue at hand can be discussed in a calm and mature manner.
Another scenario in which the "bigger person" concept can be used is when after a situation has gotten out of hand, the bigger person comes back later, accepts the fault and tries to smooth things out so the situation can be attempted again to be worked out.
The last scenario in which the "bigger person" concept can be used is typically the one I get stuck with. This consists of the bigger person accepting all the blame for the unfortunate incident, making the other party feel better about themselves, and then carrying on like nothing happened. This is the worst scenario as it leaves the "bigger person" with a tarnished image and forces them to take the hurt and feelings they had during a heated incident, and bury it deep in themselves with no real way to vent or be heard.
For most of my life, the third scenario has repeatedly seemed to land in my lap. No matter what, I always seemed to be the "bigger person". Because of it, my reputation did get tarnished. Any thing went wrong and I was normally the first person who they went to. Why? Not always because I was the culprit, but more because I would assume the blame.This inadvertently had a negative impact on me. As time went on I started being that kid who seemed to be the fuck up. I figured, hell, if I am going to get in trouble for it in the end, I might as well have the satisfaction of actually doing the deed. Again, reputation ended up getting tarnished and no matter what I did, I always had that clout stuck to me.
Some of my friendships also were affected. It is inevitable that two human beings are going to have conflicts. When these inevitable conflicts arose, they usually ended up heated and again, I ended up being the bigger person and taking on responsibility for the scuffle. This then left my friends with this negative picture of me, mixed with the tarnished reputation....see where I am going with this?
The bigger person....other wise known as the scapegoat. Society needs scapegoats. They need someone else to throw the blame on so that they don't have to feel bad about themselves and can carry on with their lives being able to look down at others and use them as a means to verify that their life is not as pathetic as others.
So I was challenged to be the bigger person again. About a year ago there was a big misscommunication between me and some family. I did something that they did not agree with. Instead of talking to me about it and finding out why I did what I did, I was ignored and talked about behind my back. I put on the bigger person shoes again and tried scenario two. I picked up some pieces, took some of the responsibility and tried to make peace with all and smooth things out so all could carry on happily as we had been. Some came to and others carried on the sharade. Since they ran out of things to attack me about, they then went after my family knowing all the while I am trying to put things back together. That drew the line for me and I threw in my towel. I walked away, I had enough. It has been almost a year now and not a peep from a single one. One family member did recently contact me and tried to convince me that blood is thicker than water. Yeah, not this blood. They then tried getting me to be the bigger person. Why not? I always have in the past. Everyone else is too stubborn but some how I seemed to be the one to go and make ammends. This time I responded with, "I don't think so. Not this time." I am tired of being the bigger person actually, and I left it at that.
Home is another area that I seem to be the bigger person and it seems to always blow up in my face. For instance last night. Me and my wife are trying to buy a home and we got some good info that could help us in that treck. First step was to see if a bank would be dumb enough to lend me money. So I went online to to fillout what I needed to in order to see if I could qualify for a home loan. Well my wife decided I wasn't doing it right. I was putting in options that did not make sense to her. She has yet to understand that I learn by doing, by trial and error. If I put information in wrong I would be displayed an error message and told to try again. This did not set well with her and she decided to let me have it. So I quit and started doing my own thing. Then she got upset because I wasn't taking it serious. How in the hell am I supposed to take something serious when someone is knocking my method of getting it done? Inevitably this lead to scenario two. I ended up gathering my things and went to bed. I figured sometime apart, a good nights sleep would be best. I woke up this morning alone in the bed and my wife sleeping in the office. Why? Because I wasn't filling out an application the way she thought it should be done. I got ready for work and went into the office and asked why she was sleeping there. I was met with a rapid fire of responses. "First, I wasn't sleeping, I just fell asleep. Two, you know why I am here. Third, you don't deserve an explanation." Word for word, that is what I was told. Now I had two choices here. To fire some smart ass remarks back, which I really wanted to do, or.....yeah you guessed it, be the bigger person. So I kissed her on the head and left the office.
This action will now lead to me going home at some point today and everythign carrying on as normal because I ultimatly accepted the blame by not responding to her accusations.
Now the cycle. Now my wife is going to have a tarnished view of me and one that insists that I am just a fuck up. Ask her, she will proudly tell you all the reasons she can't trust me and why I am such a fuck up around the house. She will give times and dates, trust me! This also will now cause me to take those feelings I had and bury them deep inside me as any outburst of them will just be viewed as a feeble attempt to try and restore my credibility.
I am almost twenty nine years old and this repeat cycle has taken a toll on me. I have aches and pains where a twenty nine year old should not have them. My heart has been handling stress for a very long time. To the point that when I get upset it beats so fast I get get dizzy and light headed. This ultimately will lead to me having an untimely death as my heart will one day beat so fast that it will stop. I am certain that I am going to have an early end and that I am going to die young. No heart can handle the stress that mine has had to deal with for years. A heart can't handle that without having some sorty of outlet to put that stress and frustration towards.
So that, my friends, is what being the "bigger person" really is. It is being the scapegoat for others, so they can keep on going feeling good about themselves and shove all the blame to someone else. Eventually the clock will stop ticking and when all is said and done, do you really want the nicest thing said about you being, "He/she was always quick to accept blame and keep things running smoothly". I sure as hell don't and for that reason I am done being the bigger person. I am sorry to the one who recently challenged me to take that roll one more time. I just can't do it, not this time. I am too tired, worn out, hurt and frustrated to put both my body and my heart through that kind of treatment again. I just can't do it, not right now.......
Been there, buddy. The one time I decided to not be the bigger person, a 15 year friendship went down the tubes. Why? Because he's used to me doing it and never learned how to do it himself. So when I didn't do it, nothing came of it and we haven't spoken since sept 2009. My other option was to swallow my pride and get shit on, yet again. It's always a hard choice.
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